The Hardest Thing

Last week I had the opportunity to go home to California for a visit. A very long overdue visit. It had been a year and a half since I had last been home. I was very excited for my trip and I was super excited to see my family and close friends. Although I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous. The last time I stepped foot on California soil I had just gotten married and I was also at my heaviest weight. When I traveled home last week, my divorce was just finalized and I was 90 lbs lighter. So much was going through my head.

What would people think?
What kind of questions were people going to ask me?
Who was judging me?
Would everyone still love me for who I am?
Were people going to act weird around me now?

Once again in my life I was shown that I have no reason to worry. Of course I got questions, about the divorce and the weight disposal. Some were awkward, some were funny, some were expected and some made me think. In the end it all turned out OK.

The most frequent question I got was, "What has been the hardest thing since WLS?" Every time I was asked the question I think my answer changed...there are so many things that have been hard since having WLS. Of course I am only 4 months out and I am sure that as time goes on my answer will continue to change. I have been pondering this quite a bit the last week. There are a couple things I felt like touching on.

First I didn't realize how hard it would be to eat with other people. This may sound strange, so allow me to elaborate. As a society we all are constantly in hurry. We want everything to be fast and we are always on the go. This includes eating. Think about it. How often do you actually sit down and take time to eat a meal? Chew your food and allow it to digest a bit before you are on to the next task. My guess is that it probably isn't that often. I know for me before I had WLS I would scarf my meals down as fast as I could...shoot, I don't know if I even tasted it before it went down. Being post op and having to chew my food thoroughly and make my meals last 30 mins is very difficult when eating with people. As you are eating with someone who is eating like most do they are typically done with their meals in minutes...this in turn makes me want to eat as fast as I can so I am not holding them up. The problem then becomes that I have eaten too fast and backed everything up and then I get sick...the only way to relieve it is to puke.

Second, and probably highest on the list, is the mental battle that I face. Physically I am disposing of weight at a very rapid pace. Mentally I am not. It takes time for your mind to catch up with your body. Logically I know that I am disposing of weight really fast, however it is difficult when you go a week or two with out any weight disposal. I kinda freak out and wonder what it is that I am doing wrong. I have to remember to relax, it is all part of the process. It is also hard to believe people when they say things like "you look great"or "look at you all slim". I see myself everyday, and yes I can see that my clothes are getting super loose, but I still see myself at my heaviest. I still see that fat girl that I have always been.

I know that all of this will take some time and I take it day by day. It makes me laugh when I hear people say that this is the easy way out. That is definitely not the case. Having WLS is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but it is worth it. It's worth every challenge, every struggle, every tear, every accomplishment, every smile, and every day that I get to live a healthier life.